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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27452614">Ace of Hearts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drapetomania/pseuds/Drapetomania'>Drapetomania</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Coming Out, Demisexuality, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Sex, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Sex Repulsion, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Worried Eddie Diaz, coming to terms with asexuality, sex repulsed buck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:41:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,867</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27452614</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drapetomania/pseuds/Drapetomania</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex was always just a thing Buck did. It was a part of life. But once he gets together with Eddie, he's asked what he really wants, and if he even likes sex in itself apart from the intimacy and pleasing his partner.</p><p>Buck dives into Asexuality</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>243</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Asexual Spectrum Sex-Averse Main Characters</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ace of Hearts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>First and foremost, I owe great thanks to aloha-wolves on Tumblr for supporting me with every step and encouraging me to go through with this idea. It's been in the back of my mind for a while (together with my headcanon for BPD!Buck) but I was scared to approach it. Then I got hit with inspiration for ace week and was going to write a ~1k ficlet.... obviously this got bigger than that, and could've gone a lot bigger but I'm too anxious lol. This is a personal topic for me, as an ace with many self-destructive behaviors, and it just felt really nice writing this? I am super worried if I got it right though, so before I lose my mind I'm just posting it.</p><p>I hope it resonates with some of you, or gives another possible dimension to Buck, or if anything is just a good read!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>11 year old Buck wasn't stupid. He may have been impatient and distracted and unfocused but he wasn't a complete moron. He knew how to follow social cues. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>See, when you were Different™ from the start studying human behavior and social cues was a survival strategy. He'd figured it out by then. Fairytales read by Maddie from the earliest age, and all the countless books after clearly stated some of the rules. Romance was a must. It a bond between a woman and a man that every human strived for, and when Buck saw the kids in his class at school start to focus heavily on the subject of sexuality, he knew he had to step up.his game.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Personally he wasn't intrigued by all. Not by girls or the thoughts of kisses or naked bodies. The word sex just left a bitter taste in his mouth. Like licorice. But any additional personality trait that wasn't 'normal' was a risk. Buck didn't want to be forgotten, kicked to the curb and judged. He already knew he wasn't like everyone else. He had to make sure he fit in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily, he had an older sister. So he asked Maddie, what the heck he was supposed to do about girls. She had laughed, teased him a little, but eventually saw his frustration and sat him down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Be bold." That's what she had said, and Buck was nothing if not adventurous and daring, seeking the thrill- anything that kept his mind from wandering and running itself into a rut. Buck knew how to open his mouth when he needed to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Half a year later; he had his first kiss. It was uncomfortable, as most social interactions were. One could never really know what was going on inside another person's head. But Buck was determined and learned studiously (when it wasn't for school), and if he had to trade some of his time spent alone with his books or exploring the forest to be normal, so be it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He never quite understood the desires behind it all, but he knew the steps to the dance, and he played his cards well. Maybe he was a late bloomer, but he wouldn't let anyone notice if that proved to be true. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the years went on... Buck just figured, maybe the feelings were too subtle for him to pinpoint. Maybe he hadn't met the right person. After all, he was a free spirit. No one quite understood him. But none of that mattered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew how to tell what objectively 'hot' and 'sexy' was. He learned how to read the looks women threw him well. Then he'd discovered a whole other spectrum to sexuality and the first time he kissed a boy, his heart had fluttered in a way like never before. It hadn't turned out to be the breakthrough he'd hoped for, but Buck knew how to please. He'd studied the ways of body and mind and he knew how to make others feel good.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck was young. The rest would come. He was supposed to be finding himself and sleeping around, exploring and putting his looks to good use. Maybe he'd find what sex and love meant along the way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was just life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(Nevermind that he always had the urge to flee after getting into a girl's pants, or that he'd used weed as an escape so much that he'd have to be high to do it for a few years. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nevermind that he'd have to steel himself and liked to retreat to some foggy place in his mind, where nothing mattered, nothing but physical sensations, which weren't </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> bad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nevermind that he found himself needing more and more, needing the high of peaking pleasure between him and someone else, just to mask the terrible gut feeling that built up after.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nevermind that he started losing himself in it, losing sight of any personal goals, especially when he'd had to give up weed because of his new job.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He found some peace eventually. Between the thrill of risking his life to save others, finding family in the crew, and deciding to stay far from other people's beds.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>29 year old Buck was quite mature, if he could say so himself. He had finally, finally, fallen head over heels in love. So much so, that he had been afraid to act on it. He hadn't been that afraid of just a </span>
  <em>
    <span>kiss</span>
  </em>
  <span> since… ever. Not even his first kiss had caused him so many heart attacks and sleepless nights.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, he was made to question everything he thought he had learned. That's how he knew it was real. He had fallen in love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With Eddie Diaz.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d endured over 6 months of what he had perceived as unrequited love with his best friend - he hadn't even had a best friend for over a decade - only to find out that Eddie had actually been so painfully obvious with his own crush on Buck that the whole station knew before Buck did. See, Eddie didn’t make the ridiculous bedroom eyes while dressed in tight clothes in dim nightclub lighting. Nor did he ever invite Buck for coffee as a date. That was simply because Eddie didn’t do nightclubs and well, Buck and him had coffee and beer and dinner and lunch and breakfast and everything in between all the time together already as friends. They talked on the phone and covered each other’s meals and even bought each other groceries sometimes. (Although that last one was usually Buck on his way to Eddie's house.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he realized eventually that all those things he had done with Abby while dating her. The phone calls and the spending time together and doing stuff for each other. Just without the ridiculous sweet talk and the kissing and the sex. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was funny in retrospect.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(After Eddie had grabbed Buck’s face when he had been mumbling about all the bullshit reasons he hadn’t voiced his feelings; after he had said, “I can’t believe you’re making me make the first move"; after he had kissed Buck senseless; after they had talked about what it meant.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now Buck got to do everything he did before, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> he got to kiss Eddie whenever he felt like it, even sneaky kisses when no one was looking at the station, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> he got to hold his hand and touch, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>he got to call Eddie ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>my sunshine’.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(The face Eddie made when Buck said that was priceless.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He also got to rile Eddie up, whisper those things that made him blush cherry red, tease him with vivid images of things he’d done in South America where he’d explored the world and himself with abandon and lots of glitter. He got to make Eddie moan and shudder beneath his hands, got to watch him fall apart. He liked that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What he didn’t like was the look Eddie sometimes gave him before Buck distracted him with his mouth. (Eddie always loved that last part.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were making out on the couch one late night long after a joint dinner and a movie with Chris and it was nice. It was always a good time with Eddie. Make outs most often lead to sex though and Buck didn’t hesitate to take the lead, slipping a hand beneath Eddie’s shirt to meet his abs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Only for Eddie to grab his wrist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck looked up quizzically.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What's up?” He asked, pulling his hand back and lifting himself higher from above his boyfriend. “Not in the mood?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie blinked at him and shook his head a little. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s not it…. I promise,” he reassured as Buck narrowed his eyes. "We can definitely postpone that for later but first we have to-"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Don't say talk," Buck pleaded. To no avail.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Yes, talk."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What is there to talk about? Everything is going great."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Usually, I have to beg for you to shut up for once," Eddie said with a huff.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck easily took the bait, grinning. He leaned closer. "I love hearing you beg."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie's eyebrows did a little dance and Buck knew he'd gotten his attention but unfortunately that didn't deter his boyfriend from his ultimate goal, face settling into determination again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"But what if I were to make you beg?" Eddie asked simply.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck frowned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"See, that! That's what we have to talk about."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck withdrew completely this time, not really sure why his anxiety was suddenly ramping up but feeling like he'd been caught cheating on a test.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What, just because I…" He found himself unsure of what to say. He felt the couch shift as Eddie rearranged himself but Buck stubbornly stared at the carpet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Buck," Eddie's voice was soft and yet firm, and somehow that made it worse. He swallowed heavily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Do you even like this? Being physically intimate with me, I mean. The sex...and all that?" Eddie asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck scoffed, shoulders squaring up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of course I do. You know I love you." It was a truth that rang bitter after the launched accusation. His fists curled and uncurled on his thighs, unable to contain his agitation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Yes, I know. I know," Eddie quickly said, reaching over to take those hands and smooth them out. "Hey, look at me… I know that and I love you, too. Okay?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck eventually met his insistent stare and found himself breathing lighter again, when he observed his sincerity. He breathed out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Okay," Buck breathed and leaned in slightly in search of physical reassurance. Which Eddie gave, as always. There to ground him. He pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and ghosted a thumb over his chin when he pulled back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"But," Eddie started up again, holding firm to Buck's hands when he tried to pull away again. "We have to talk."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Closing his eyes, Buck heaved a sigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"How about you just listen to me, for a sec, hm? We can start there. I'll tell you what I think is the problem and why it's important to me, my experiences and all I ask is for you to think about it. Can we do that?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It didn't sound like a fun time. Buck knew the rules, he knew the procedures, he didn't mind those. But he didn't want to think about the feelings he was supposed to have, or about the feelings he was trying not to have. He had hoped he had done right. But obviously he hadn't. He'd messed up somewhere. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck swallowed hard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What was he supposed to do though? Make a scene? That would reveal his weakness further. This was Eddie. It would kill him to mess this up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Buck," Eddie whispered and Buck steeled himself, padding his disposition with dry amusement. Of course he couldn't hide from Eddie. This man could see through him like glass and yet he did it in a way that didn't make him shatter. He was safe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck nodded quickly, before his vulnerability could render him to tears before this conversation even started. Breathing in deep through his nose, he cleared his throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'll listen," he said as loud as he dared, but kept his skittering gaze away from Eddie's eyes, afraid he'd falter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Thank you." Eddie lifted his hands to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. There was something so tender about the way Eddie held and handled him that almost made Buck believe that he deserved it. Sometimes that warmth in his chest felt way too grand to wrap his head around but one thing was for sure: Buck was always ready to give every fiber of his being for Eddie and Chris. He was here to grow and learn and reach his best potential.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck leaned back against the couch and settled in, trying to relax his body as far as he could. Eddie had definitely become far more open and vulnerable with his emotions than he always claimed he’d been raised to be. And Buck definitely knew how to appreciate that. Now, it was his turn to try- or at the very least, hear Eddie out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know well enough by now, that Shannon was my only relationship, ever. That it started as a clumsy teenage attempt at dating and we just clung to each other for safety. It was all a little awkward but whose first relationship isn’t? Then again, even back then I kept feeling like I was a little different from other guys, other people. When it came to love and relationships and all that. I could never understand flings and spontaneous hookups, one night stands… I would get whiplash hearing about other people’s experiences.” Eddie spoke with a calm voice. It came across resolved, as if he had found peace with his past. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck on the other hand, felt like his insides were twisting themselves into a million knots as he was reminded of his similar teenage years and the conflict and frustration they had caused. There was though, also a stubborn streak of hope that shot through him like an arrow, causing Buck to glance up to Eddie from his hanging posture. The yearning for the answer to these problems was strong. Maybe Eddie could teach him about that link he was missing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It didn’t seem to matter that much back then. My parents were, as with everything else, traditional and conservative about relationships and sex. We didn’t talk about those things. They didn’t even show much affection to each other in front of anyone. And then, I had Shannon and things worked with her. Expectations were met and I enjoyed being with her. After highschool though… things started getting more complicated.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie’s thoughtful gaze rises to meet Buck’s eyes. Eyes that were a whirlwind of feelings Buck had never dared to fully entertain. His heart was beating so high up his throat every breath felt a little weary but Buck nodded silently for Eddie to continue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“With the distance during college and my tours, we just grew apart. That only led to more fights and less of a bond, and I started to realize that the further away I felt emotionally, the harder it was for me to engage in intimacy. I watched the other guys react differently to their partners, or talk about attraction to strangers, and it was all just not making sense. I didn’t have the capacity at that point in time to figure things out, so I just chalked it up to the outer circumstances; trust issues from my childhood and the rigid parenting, and the… experiences while I was deployed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie sighed, looking down at his lap for a moment before he lifted his chin again with new energy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was only in the years when Shannon had left that I eventually put two and two together. At first I was convinced I just wasn’t looking for anything because all I wanted was to be there for Chris but I mean, I was still kind of lonely. I hate that word but it is what it is,” Eddie said with a rueful smile, shrugging one shoulder. “I eventually started going online, contemplating online dating or whatever, but I somehow ended up reading up on other people’s experiences on forums and after multiple hours of rabbit holes, I came across these descriptions and solid definitions of exactly the kind of thing I felt.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It turns out,” Eddie emphasized, taking Buck’s hand in his again at this, “that not everyone is as obsessed with sex as society might like to make you think. There are different kinds of attraction and people experience varying levels of them. It’s all as normal as the rest, if one is more or less romantically or sexually attracted to others. I, personally, am demisexual, which means I don’t experience sexual attraction to others until I have an emotional bond with them- like with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this point, Buck was feeling ready to shatter. Every next breath threatened to break the fragile thread holding him together. There were already two tears or so that have escaped him, and Buck wasn’t usually ashamed to cry but the panic in him was too great, almost as high as the flooding relief. He didn’t know what he was supposed to believe or trust in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie squeezed his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this- does it make any sense? I’ve never really talked to anyone about this before, but I just wanted you to know that it’s okay. I mean, maybe I’m wrong and it’s not this at all, but I hate-” Eddie took a deep breath, “I really hate the thought of you forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to. For me. Not that I want to assume anything, because everyone implies that you would have a lot of hookups before and all that, so maybe you actually do enjoy it, and maybe we have to figure out how to make it right between us but… I do feel like there’s an imbalance, like I get more out of this. And like you sometimes kind of shut down after we do something, almost as if it… hurts you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck definitely couldn’t bring himself to look at Eddie anymore at this point, the guilt tying him heavily down to the couch. He didn’t even feel able to really respond to the light grip on his hand. It was rare to hear Eddie ramble like that, and Buck hated being the one to make him feel that way, like Eddie was doing something wrong. Like Eddie was the problem. When it was just Buck himself all along. Unable to do sex right, unable to hide the bad feelings from Eddie, unable to be open with him and forcing Eddie through this situation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Buck I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could feel Eddie’s gaze on him, sense his sadness acutely. Buck wiped his sleeve over his face in an attempt to dry the waterfall, but his sniffles thundered in his ears regardless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t need to say anything or do anything right now. I just want for you to be able to be more comfortable with all this one day. So, just- keep this in mind. I love you. With all my heart and soul. That’s a fact regardless of sex. We don’t need sex to lead our best lives together. I don’t want this to keep hurting you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A silence settled over them like weighted slime. Or maybe it was just Buck. He didn’t know how to react. It felt like it had been an hour since Buck had last said anything and he didn’t want to be a passive spectator in such an important discussion about </span>
  <em>
    <span>them</span>
  </em>
  <span>. After all, didn’t most people say sex was necessary for a successful, happy relationship? What if they gave it up and Eddie was wrong and they fell apart? It would be all Buck’s fault. He would never want to risk that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t-” Buck started, but paused when he realized he had no idea what he even wanted to tell Eddie. Apparently a part of him was really considering what it would be like to give up sex. It wasn’t like he knew much about a life without it. Sure, there had been that time with Abby, where they dated without sex, and the close friendship with Eddie before they had taken the extra step toward a relationship… But sex was always the step that drew full circle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There are resources out there. You can read up on it and give yourself time to figure it out. But we’ll find a way together, alright? Trust me. We’ll figure this out,” Eddie assured, and proceeded to draw Buck into a hug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck went along willingly, sinking against Eddie’s shoulder, hiding in his chest. He was exhausted. Just letting things rest for a while sounded good. Eddie’s hand brushed his cheek dry and then there was a soft press of lips on his temple.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It'll be okay. I promise."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck spent the next few days keeping his distance. He needed to wrap his head around this first before he could focus on giving Christopher his all and Eddie- well, he was a little unsure about how he was supposed to act around him when the two of them were on their own. Not knowing if he might be rejected again when he started another physical advance, he was cautious about engaging anything at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He also spent his time alone by letting his thoughts spiral, because he couldn't get a grasp on them, and feeling horrible. Consciously thinking about sexual topics just did that, and focusing on it for days… it made him pretty miserable. He wished he could hide from himself in Eddie's arms. That usually worked. But Eddie had asked this of him and Buck couldn't just ignore that. He had to try.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or run away again. Maybe Seattle this time. That would be different enough to distract him from missing Eddie and Christopher, and his team, Maddie…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thought alone made him nauseous. Running away was bad. He'd done it a few times and gained from it, but he was in a much better place now. He didn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to run away for once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had to confront it head on, which meant going to the person who knew best: Karen. Approaching anyone at the station was too nerve-racking after all, with all they always said about his early days at the station. So he ended up keeping it a secret, arranging a date and time with Karen while Hen was at work and he was off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck had no idea how much Karen knew about his sexual exploits but he assumed Hen had shared her view of things with her. So that didn't take much of his anxiety away, but he definitely didn't want to talk to a stranger so here he was, sitting next to Karen in their living room, drinking tea. Nia was playing on the rug to their side and Buck was itching to join her instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I would say speak when you're ready but you've been sitting there silently for 5 minutes already. It's the longest I've seen you quiet and it's starting to worry me," Karen said and Buck knew she was teasing. The light pressure to speak up did its job, though, giving him the freedom to spill his thoughts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed, staring into the mug between his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Eddie and I," he started. "Eddie said something recently… and I'm not sure what to think about it. A part of me… thinks he's probably right but then it's also… it also just feels impossible."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Karen's forehead creased as she gazed at him. "Are you two okay?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck was quick to open his mouth to defend but then reconsidered. He shook his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I mean… I hope so? I thought we were but…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"But?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Eddie told me he's demisexual," Buck said, peering up at Hen. His own potential label still refused to come out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Karen hummed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And you're not sure how to feel about that?" She guessed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No, I didn't have any problem with it. I'm glad he could tell me because I had no idea. Like, I know he was reserved about his dating and especially sex life but now I can understand why. It's more that…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck lifted a hand helplessly as the words left him again. This time Karen waited patiently, gaze soft and open as he knew it to be. It was insistent though, urging him to voice what he came here for.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"He brought all that up because he thinks… he thinks I might be ace." Buck's hands tightened around his mug, though not even the warmth was much of a comfort. He felt overexposed and small, as if his body was too big for him and he didn't have all the controls.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"That hit a nerve, did it?" Karen asked softly. All Buck could manage was a tense nod. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You know you don't have to figure it all out at once, right?" Karen's hand settled over Buck's right one and he looked up to find her soothing smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You've done this before, just in a different way. It takes time to find out every little piece of yourself. Figuring out if you're on the asexual spectrum and what it means for you and your relationship will take a while. It's something you have to work on, make yourself comfortable with before you know for sure. Maybe you'll never want to use a distinct label. That's okay, too."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once she started addressing it specifically, Buck found he couldn't look away, eagerly drinking up everything she had to say like a desert desperate for rainfall.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You have to allow yourself to fill this space, too. Give yourself room to breathe and be who you are. There are so many ways to be asexual and all of them are just as valid as being allosexual," she continued.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck breathed. "That actually is really good to hear," he said quietly, voice trembling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You'll be okay. You're finding to yourself. This is good," she assured him, settling back. "And you're with someone who understands, who sees you for who you are. You have support all around you."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And Eddie and I- we can still work, right? I mean I know I read about relationships that… That- but I just…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of course. Your relationship can be whatever you want it to be. You two decide that. There are no official requirements you have to meet. You make the rules," Karen interrupted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Okay." Buck nodded, finally relaxing enough to settle back in his chair. "I think… I needed to hear that."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Anytime, Buck," Karen replied and he knew she meant it. His attention was already starting to wander though as relief lifted the weight off his shoulders, towards the adorable little toddler to his right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Now for some fun times!" He declared as he sunk down to join the girl in her game of building blocks. "Hey, Nia. Can I play too?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nia let out bubbling approval as she held up a yellow block at Buck. He grinned and accepted the gift.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Aw, thanks! I love yellow!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nia clapped and then pointed at her construction, clearly instructing Buck on where to put his block. He obliged and she nodded eagerly, clapping for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Yes! Beautiful. I can already see it. This will be the new Eiffel tower. Bigger, better," Buck marveled, letting the giddy happiness of being in such young life's presence take over him. Nia responded in turn with her own sunshine smile, holding up the next block. A purple.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hey, while you're at it, do you mind if you watch her for a few minutes while I go have a nice warm bath?" Karen asked, ready to seize the opportunity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck turned to her with a laugh. "It would be my pleasure. I owe you one after all."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was quick to turn back to Nia, and only peripherally noticed Karen leaving the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night was as good a night as any, Buck figured. If it would take him a longer time to figure it out, he might as well settle into the discomfort and make a place there. He would embrace it. It was a part of him. There was no need to make things more difficult and terrifying than they needed to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a thorough workout and shower, he drove home - Eddie's house, his home - and let himself in. That was how sturdy they already were. They made living together work as if they had been doing it forever. It just felt right. That confidence was what Buck needed to take to deal with this new path.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He found Eddie in the living room, folding laundry and instead of just returning the greeting thrown at him, he immediately went in for a hug, wrapping his arms around Eddie from behind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Thank you," he breathed against the back of his neck, a kiss and confession all at once. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie's hands settled over his and he first only turned his head toward him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What's this for?" He asked, just as quietly; mellow, safe, home, love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck buried his face in his nape. He didn't know how he could even put it into words. He had spent the last few hours trying to figure it out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"For giving me the opportunity to be fully me… with the parts of me that I had forgotten- hadn't even realized they were there," he then settled on, tongue feeling especially clumsy and heart beating in his throat. He hoped his tone could convey his meaning instead. He wasn't sure how else to explain if Eddie didn't get it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily, this was Eddie they were talking about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The man turned around in Buck's arms, forcing them to loosen for a second. Buck's eyes remained closed, even as Eddie cradled his cheeks in his palms and pressed a kiss to his forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I see you, Evan Buckley," he told him. Buck had to swallow hard before he dared open his eyes but he knew he had too, because his heart was too full to contain all emotion. "And I love all of you."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Buck soared.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*whispers* <a href="www.halinski.tumblr.com">come talk to be about ace!Buck</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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